How It All Ends

She clung deftly to the low stone wall, peacefully watching the dragonflies humming nearby.  Scaly but sweet, the minuscule lizard cocked her head as I and other yogis entered the open-air palapa.

The ocean air rolling in off the beach was warm, and we soon began to sweat as our yoga teacher led us through the practice. As I moved, I noticed more movement from the top of the wall, as another lizard entered the scene. The larger, striped, scaly male crept slowly towards the female and began to flirt.

Throughout the entire yoga class, I just wanted him to get the girl.

Perhaps it’s old-fashioned thinking.  A throw-back to simpler times, or searching for proof that wholesome, happy endings to our stories and efforts still abound. What a balm it could be to witness a small win while I’m trying to navigate a journey towards my own wins. What a boost of encouragement to have a front row seat to someone else’s victory.

I then realized, watching the lizards and thinking about life, that I was maintaining a near-perfect Tree pose, while others in the class had moved forward into Chair.

Be present, I scolded myself, holding back a swear word, and moved to catch up with the class.

Yoga is my church. It’s time for me to move my body, to allow my spinning mind to think things through, for my heart to let things go.  With each stretch into the next held posture, these things all happen at once.

Movement. Thoughts. Emotions. Release.

Under the yoga palapa, we were asked to stand facing forward with our eyes closed, but I never do. I stand in the front row, and two feet in front of my two feet lies warm sand, tangled green vines, a crashy blue ocean, and a wide, infinite sunshine sky.

I don’t ever want to close my eyes to this.  I want to drink in the sight of the sea.

And I want to check on the courting lizards.

Up and down, up and down bobbed the head of the male.  Then he crept closer.  Up and down, up and down again.

I looked at her, the girl lizard perched two or three stone blocks away.  She seemed to be ignoring him, but I’m pretty sure she had him in her side eye.  Who wouldn’t admire that beautiful, outstretched neck of his?  Up and down, up and down.

We were guided to shift from Chair into a twisting posture, one that we’re told releases toxins, both bodily and emotionally. As we did, my mind sifted through thoughts of all the things in life I am done with.

Energies that drained me.  Looping thoughts that distracted me.  Emotions that served me for a time, but now derailed me and needed to be dropped. 

We held Warrior One position with palms in prayer and rotated to the left and squeezed it alllll out. Muscles tightened, mind cleared, breath exhaling. Emotions released with the twist.

Leaning into each transition, we inhaled and exhaled our sacred breath. We called on our bodily strength while building it at the same time. This kind of calm, focused movement feels like a personal triumph.

How sweet it is to relish a simple win.  A moment that uplifts and reminds us why we are all working so hard, striving on the daily towards some sense of victory.

The passing grade so tiresomely studied for, the gold medal we so sweatily and furiously aimed for, the first kiss so longingly pined for.

Seemingly small wins with big-sky feels.

Watching others win, for me, swells my heart.  I’d be inhuman if I didn’t feel a pang of envy from time to time, but mostly, watching others hold their wins high gives me hope I’ll one day hold mine high too.

Speaking of championing others, how were the lizards doing? Were they in love yet? I peeked over at the stone wall. They were both still there, although he had moved closer. Up and down, up and down. Was he going to get the girl?

Worrying about the unknown gets the best of me some days. I doubt I’m alone in this. Will this life work out for us?  Are we doing all the right things and making the best choices?

We can’t know for sure. All we can do is keep trying.  Reassure our monkey-mind thoughts that we are doing the best we can.  Lean into our emotions of worry, fret, and frustration for a minute if they taunt us … then sail them on down the river.  Send them out to sea.

I held Warrior Two and noticed the boy lizard moving even closer to the girl lizard, slowly but confidently. Step by cautious step. She hadn’t called him over, but she hadn’t bolted either, which as in any romance, was just as encouraging.

Up and down, up and down, he bobbed at her. She watched him, but pretended not to. He kept trying.

We moved into a twist, a backbend, and a forward fold, mostly in unison.

The trying counts just as much as the achieving.  Cheering for others matters (and cheering for ourselves, which most of us probably don’t do – but should). These mighty, exuberant cheers lining our route are just as important as that final winning moment of glory.

High-fiving and hug-jumping the friend who got the job or bought their first house.  Showing genuine joy for our neighbor, whose determination and focus paid off, and they won their game.  Engagements and graduations. Celebrating our hard-won feats.

We moved down into Plank, straining with the almost too-long pose.

Our inner and outer world feels so overwhelming these days.  Politics, economic woes, relationship challenges, and childhood traumas.  Our health, the planet, and the environment…

Some days, I wish for more simplicity.

We moved into Chaturanga, Upward Dog, Downward Dog, then leapt forward into Goddess Squat, palms in prayer, and eyes closed.

But not my eyes because I’d left my thoughts to idle and returned to watching the lizards.  Their mating dance continued to play out on the low stone wall. The ocean waves beyond rolled in louder, heightening the tension.

We breathed in through our noses, and we breathed out through our mouths. Slowly.

Finally, we moved into floor poses for the ending sequence. The ocean no longer filled my view. Instead, the blue beyond was blocked by the shadowy dark underside of the palapa roof. I closed my eyes this time, stretching into each horizontal posture.

Lying on the mat, I think about the day ahead.  I think about how my hips don’t hurt like they used to.  My yoga instructor seemed impressed with my backbend.  I mostly judge and doubt myself in these classes, and I wondered why I don’t look at myself through those same eyes and be impressed with my results like she is.

Why are so many of us this hard on ourselves?

These thoughts trundled along through my mind until I realized the yoga class had nearly finished, and everyone else was now in a seated position. I was still lying on my mat in the fetal position, wondering how all the things I am worried about in life will work out.

I sat up, crossed my legs, my palms prayed, and my eyes closed. In the quiet, final minutes, I remembered the reasons why I love my yoga class.  It’s for the moments I get to move physically through my thoughts, release my emotions, and rebuild my inner world with each trying pose.

By the time yoga practice is over, my outlook on life is brighter. Even if I don’t know how it all ends, I feel that in this finishing moment, everything will be okay. I soak in the simple wins.

My mind circled back to the present moment. We namaste-ed and reached for our water bottles. I watched as a pelican floated with grace along the sparkling curve of an ocean wave.

I turned my gaze to the top of the wall for the latest on the reptilian romance. But the lizards were no longer flirting and bobbing; the stone wall had been abandoned. They were gone.

I’d like to think they had a win to celebrate, too. Maybe all they wanted in their simple, tropical lizard life worked out for them in the end.

Perhaps he did get the girl.

~ Christy

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