The thing about siblings is that they know you for your (or their) entire life.
They know you. They can read the unedited thoughts behind your facial expressions, predict your emotional reactions before you unleash them, and track the direction your mind will go when triggered. They know what those triggers are and see them coming a mile away. They know what makes you crack up laughing, remember your most embarrassing moments, and can call you out on your own bullshit faster than most. There is a transparency between siblings that could never be fully veiled.
My siblings and I, from the outside, appear as very different people, living contrasting lives as either married couples, single mothers, or never marrying. Our varying careers span education, travel, banking, finance and entrepreneurialism. One of us has a degree in law. One of us has a degree in literature. One of us never finished college. One of us is tan, one of us is male, and one of us has brown eyes.
Differences are apparent, but we are of the same river. We have mostly the same upbringing, raised in the same houses, in mostly the same span of years, and were subjected to many of the same life lessons and experiences that shape and influence our life choices. Moving homes, divorce, changing schools, remarriage. Everything we were exposed to and learned from the moment we were born until we left home consequently steered the different direction our lives would take.
This time, after so many years of being unable to freely travel home, I found myself paying closer attention to our patterns. The choices my siblings and I make with our lives day to day, how we communicate to others and with each other. As we grow older, I see our parents’ in each of us. At the same time, I see the purposeful absence of our parents. Of course, growing up, my siblings and I made mistakes. Often we made mistakes with each other.
I have lived overseas now for twenty years, and when I return home, as I have these last two weeks, the joy is immediate. My little brother (who is almost 39) greeting me at LAX. His thoughtful and warm-hearted wife and their 2 gorgeous kids opening their home and fridge to me. My visit has been crammed with work, and kid schedules and southern California traffic. There is jokey banter and catching up via quick headlines of our lives, which is the best we can do with the short time we have.
My sister offers these family comforts too. A soft couch to sink into, a work desk in her comfy home and space in my nephew’s room. She and I listened to songs he played on his violin, spent time at the pool, and took long walks on the chilly beach. Each moment treasured and fleeting.
My siblings and I laugh and eat and are light with each other, touching base on occasion on what’s going on underneath. How are we doing really . . . now that we are seasoned grown-ups. Mostly good. However, we are only one sentence away from going too deep. My siblings and I observing each other’s behaviors, how we react, problem solve (or solve poorly), these things we notice in each other. Maybe judged. Irritating tendencies are either forgiven or tolerated. I’m not totally sure if we forgive each other’s behaviors and habits or simply tolerate them.
One thing I am totally sure about is that at the heart of my family is love. And laughs. Always laughs. We know how to be silly. As with most of us coming from broken-home families, there is an undercurrent of unhealed pain that can be tapped or ripped open if we are not careful with each other. We haven’t always been careful in the past, and our lessons that we carried through to adulthood were often learned at the sake of each other. Regretfully.
But isn’t this part of our journey?
Of all of our journeys? To live mistakes, then learn from them, and try to heal and still love?
I think so. This time around, my siblings and I made more honest conversations than we made mistakes. If we ever crossed each other in our past, we don’t carry these grudges too heavily now.
As we navigated family rapids, childhood joy, cringing adolescence and the pressures of adulthood. The triumphs and the beat-downs. Through all of life, our sibling connection is still one of love, loyalty, and knowing how to make each other laugh out loud when we have time to just hang out.
I don’t know when I’ll see my siblings again or their gorgeous and ever-entertaining kids, but I do know that through the laughs and closeness, and the genuine excitement to see each other and share our stories – none of this would exist if there hadn’t been a healthy dose of learning, forgiveness and love carried along in the same current as we grew up.
Even though our lives have diverged into three very different streams over the years, still figuring out this crazy life as we go, we three are still of the same river. I hope we always will be.
~ Christy
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