Sitting On the Wrong Darn Train

 

The pristine afternoon sunlight on my back porch invites me to sit. It is the kind of light that illuminates a golden green sheen through the trees, settling over dragonfly wings hovering amongst the nearby flower bushes.

 

Jungle birds are chirping, or caw-cawing, depending on the species. If I listen even closer, I can hear the ocean, swaying and tipping into the shore not too far away.

 

I sit here in the tranquility of the early evening, seeking inspiration to write.

 

I’m also trying to convince my still-not-settled kitty that the porch is a peaceful and safe place for her to be.

 

Neither is going well.

 

Tino creeps out once a day, looks cautiously around our new multi-windowed, single-story home, assesses her exposure, then slinks back to her self-made cave in the safety of my closet.

 

I am stumbling through past half-drafts, fearing I have writer’s block. I also have to write a talk I plan to give at the end of the month, and I keep changing my mind about what to say.

 

It’s been an agonizing series of false starts for both of us.

 

If this were the olden days, there would be heaps of wadded-up papers on the floor circling my armchair. Half-filled cups of cold coffee and empty wine glasses would be dotting a littered desk, a desk where I would lay my forehead down in frustration and sigh.

 

Some days, I feel the creativity train is moving full steam ahead. Whistles are blowing and arms are waving out windows. Service carts are stocked with fresh sandwiches. The scenery beyond is vast, idyllic, and I am moving forward and into this landscape with gusto! Let’s go! Let’s write!

 

Other days, like today, the train just sits on the tracks, smoke filling the station. It’s hot. The seats are dirty. Other trains are speeding away and I am sitting still. Going nowhere, while the looming station clock keeps ticking the passing of time.

 

What if I do have writer’s block? What if I can’t budge this block, and my career downward spirals because of it?

 

The other day, a friend of mine who makes a living as a designer and consultant casually mentioned “color blocks”. A color block is when her clients are trying to choose a color or a color pattern for their home, and they waffle back and forth in indecision for ages. Something that is likely frustrating for both the designer and the client alike.

 

Why do we get so stuck when seeking our desires?

 

We talk about mental blocks or blocks we may have that stop us from grabbing firmly onto the things that matter to us: love, a rewarding job, or cooking abilities.

 

Or for those of us currently in hot pursuit of our passions, such as athletes, music composers, or those learning a new skill, we feel this too. A block or some form of challenge that stops us from progressing or improving our talents as we wish without delays.

 

Out loud, on the outside, we know these challenges have their purpose, and serve us in some way.

 

Quietly, on the inside, the knowing is replaced by uncertainty.

 

Internally, in moments like this when striving towards my clear, defined goals become halted, I wonder about my own abilities and direction.

 

Why do we experience blocked paths? Are the blocks meant to tell us we are going the wrong way, or are the blocks character-building, presenting us with challenges that sharpen our skills?

 

Probably both. Our intuition will lead us to the truth of the block if we listen.

 

One thing I have learned is that if I exert my energy whining about the “why is this block happening to me (or not happening)”, then the block sticks around. It lodges itself more firmly in place.

 

Shifting from complaining about the block to panicking only makes the power of the block stronger.

 

The “what if I can’t get past this block” spin cycle of self-doubt begins, and I easily lose my way.

 

What if I never get ahead?

What if I have lost my talent?

What if my train never leaves the station?

What if I’m sitting on the wrong darn train?

 

Diminishing this self-doubt requires us to do the work that helps us find our way into an elated feeling of achievement once again.

 

It’s the feeling of proving ourselves in some unmissable way; of earning a high-fives-all-around applause that shakes off the self-doubt.

 

The “work” is different for all of us, but once we figure out what we need to learn, and how to do the work, we earn back that feeling of confidence again, or at least of competence.

 

A feeling that gives us an encouraging nod that overcoming our blocks is a move in the right direction.

 

Back to my back porch, the sun has now long set, and the bird song has been replaced by crickets and frog choirs.

 

Tino sits inside, stiffly looking through the screen at the darkness, building her bravery. I hope that’s what she’s doing, anyway. She needs to get over her fears and at least get more sunlight.

 

Scanning up, I see that this post has more or less written itself.

 

I realize that I sat down to write with the expectation of drafting nonsense and searching for inspiration. I was not intent on using this time for creativity; however, the time here inspired creativity on its own.

 

I had to move through the block by just sitting, letting go, and writing anyway.

 

Another “enjoy the journey, not the destination” moment handed to me in real-time.

 

I suppose my “work” here was to remember to trust myself, to push a little less, and let a little more.

 

Write through your block.

 

Lean into your colors.

 

Pick up your feet, exit your seat, and change to the train that is leaving in the direction you intend to go and see where it winds up taking you.

 

Just start moving, and watch how everything around you begins to shift.

 

Maybe later this week, another unexpected burst of creativity will produce the flow I need to finish preparing for my upcoming talk if I just start writing and trust myself.

 

Maybe later this week, Tino will confidently perch on the patio chair next to me, and square off with the bluebirds instead of squirreling away to her cave in my bedroom closet.

 

I hope for both.

 

~ Christy

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